issue6 请指教（可让你满足狂拍的愿望）

hihifrankyUID: 2115524

超时，且经自己修改过。
写的时候总是很紧张

6."The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth."


We may see that, when we are in the streets, contemporary youth wearing colorful clothes, playing exciting games, talking about what is fashion this year and acting with individual characteristic. This phenomenon arouses the ambiguous atmosphere that many people rush to assert that this is our contemporary culture. In fact, such plausible statement is not grounded for the following reasons.

First of all, culture is an adaptive system, an interface between ourselves, environment, and other human societies that is changing all the time through human's history. The culture in modern society is the evolutionary result of the progress of men. All the cultures nowadays can derive their origin from the past: how they created, how they developed and how they formed as the contemporary culture. The trends of youth only represent a part of the culture influenced by their former generations. As a stream, you can not discrete it into several parts for it is continuous, and so does the culture can not only be represented by the contemporary trends. Contemporary culture is, therefore, still a developing culture based on its own accumulation and evolution.

Furthermore, culture, far more than the fashion of the clothes, including knowledge, believes, art, rituals, customs, conventions, so on and so forth. When we come to the agreement that contemporary culture is broad term which cannot live without its past and history, we may see that thoughts and weltanschauungs of the old also play a critical role in it as well. As for the old people, words of outdated, feeble, ephemeral, weak and lacking of imagination and creativity, are always used to describe them. While most of us, on the contrast, depict the youth as energetic, muscular, passionate, robust and vigorous. Nevertheless, human culture is an organic whole of knowledge, art, and many other things as mentioned before. Take knowledge for example, there is no convincing evidences to show that the youth know more knowledge than the old. Another case in point is that it is not necessary to draw a picture with muscular energy. In this perspective, it is a fallacy to claim that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

Admittedly, young people, who are more sensible and ductile to follow the contemporary culture, are the carriers to pass down the culture from their parents to the next generation. To understand their view of the world is, undoubtedly, a good, but not and never the only way to understand the contemporary culture.

All in all, contemporary culture is the evolutionary result from generation to generation. All kinds of people, children, youth, and the old are the water in the stream whose thoughts and attitudes can not be separated from each other. (456)

[ Last edited by hihifranky on 2005-7-14 at 22:53 ]

chenda8201UID: 171368

6."The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth."


We may see that, when we are in the streets, contemporary youth wearing colorful clothes, playing exciting games, talking about what is fashion this year and acting with individual characteristic. This phenomenon arouses the ambiguous atmosphere that many people rush to assert that this is our contemporary culture. In fact, such plausible statement is not grounded for the following reasons.
[哈哈，这个开头写得不错啊，不过就是有些argument的味道咯～
观点就是不同意题目的claim]

First of all, culture is an adaptive system, an interface [interaction?] between ourselves, environment, and other human societies that is changing all the time through human's history. The culture in modern society is the evolutionary result of the progress of men. All the cultures nowadays can derive their origin from the past: how they created, how they developed and how they formed as the contemporary culture. The trends of youth only represent a part of the culture influenced by their former generations. As a stream, you can not discrete it into several parts for it is continuous, and so does the culture can not only be represented by the contemporary trends [这个句子采用类比的修辞手法，写得好，值得学习～]. Contemporary culture is, therefore, still a developing culture based on its own accumulation and evolution.
[culture is an adaptive system，这个观点看起来论述的话写得可以；缺少点实例或是权威人士的话之类，看起来就显得有些“自己一直在大谈特谈道理”的感觉；先对culture来个定义，有点像庄子的那个范文的思路。。。]

Furthermore, culture, far more than the fashion of the clothes, include [including] knowledge, believe, art, rituals, customs, conventions, so on and so forth. When we come to the agreement that contemporary culture is broad term which cannot live without its past and history [Is its past not a history?], we may see that thoughts and weltanschauungs [Weltanschauungs，汗。。:L。人生观、世界观这样的单词] of the old also play a critical role in it as well. As for the old people, words of [of改成 such as] outdated, feeble, ephemeral, weak and lacking of imagination and creativity, are always used to describe them. While most of us, on the contrast, depict the youth as energetic, muscular, passionate, robust and vigorous. Nevertheless, human culture is an organic whole of knowledge, art, and many other things as mentioned before. Take knowledge for example, there is no convincing evidences show that the youth know more knowledge than the old. Another case in point is that it is not necessary to draw a picture with muscular energy. In this perspective, it is a fallacy to claim that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.
[文中的这两个例子似乎用在这里并没什么说服力，特别是第二个，有些奇怪。。。]

Admittedly, young people, who are more sensible and ductile to follow the contemporary culture, are the carriers to pass down the culture from their parents to the next generation. To understand their view of the world is, undoubtedly, a good, but not and never the only way to understand the contemporary culture.
[作让步，是否能再稍微展开些，那样看起来论证得到加深并且字数也能上去～]

All in all, contemporary culture is the evolutionary result from generation to generation. All kinds of people, children, youth, and the old are the water in the stream whose thoughts and attitudes can not be separated from each other. (456) [最后这句话不敢苟同。为什么他们的thoughts and attitudes cannot be separated from each other，我觉得完全可以啊；只是他们的cultures are components of the contemporary culture]

[整篇的思路基本看懂了，可是觉得在中间论述the trends of youth is not the mainstream in the contemporary culture 篇幅不够；语句用词方面值得我学习啊～]

hihifrankyUID: 2115524

其实我这篇是参考了很多庄子那篇的（不知会不会被判抄袭）。写之前背了一下权威的例子，但是到写的时候又不记得了。
我也觉得结尾不好，想说的是各个年龄层的thoughts是tangle在一起的，不能分开。但当时因为已经超时了，好紧张，所以就写成这样。

alcestisUID: 2101945

回拍
We may see that, when we are in the streets, contemporary youth wearing colorful clothes, playing exciting games, talking about what is fashion this year and acting with individual characteristic. This phenomenon arouses the ambiguous atmosphere that many people rush to assert that this is our contemporary culture. In fact, such plausible statement is not grounded for the following reasons.

First of all, culture is an adaptive system, an interface between ourselves, environment, and other human societies that is changing all the time through human's history. [which感觉that不很通~~不知] The culture in modern society is the evolutionary result of the progress of men. All the cultures nowadays can derive their origin from the past: how they created, how they developed and how they formed as the contemporary culture. The trends of youth only represent a part of the culture influenced by their former generations. As a stream, you[似乎不能用这样的人称] can not discrete it into several parts for it is continuous, and so does the culture can not only be represented by the contemporary trends. Contemporary culture is, therefore, still a developing culture based on its own accumulation and evolution. [佩服 这段很思辨阿 学习ing]

Furthermore, culture, far more than the fashion of the clothes, include knowledge, believe, art, rituals, customs, conventions, so on and so forth. When we come to the agreement that contemporary culture is broad term which cannot live without its past and history, [把history删掉似乎更通顺 ]we may see that thoughts and weltanschauungs of the old also play a critical role in it as well. As for the old people, words of outdated, feeble, ephemeral, weak and lacking of imagination and creativity, are always used to describe them. While most of us, on the contrast, depict the youth as energetic, muscular, passionate, robust and vigorous. Nevertheless, human culture is an organic whole of knowledge, art, and many other things as mentioned before. Take knowledge for example, there is no convincing evidences show that the youth know more knowledge than the old. Another case in point is that it is not necessary to draw a picture with muscular energy. In this perspective, it is a fallacy to claim that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

Admittedly, young people, who are more sensible and ductile to follow the contemporary culture, are the carriers to pass down the culture from their parents to the next generation. To understand their view of the world is, undoubtedly, a good, but not and never the only way to understand the contemporary culture.[展开阿 加例子]

All in all, contemporary culture is the evolutionary result from generation to generation. All kinds of people, children, youth, and the old are the water in the stream whose thoughts and attitudes can not be separated from each other. (456)

hihifrankyUID: 2115524

Admittedly, young people, who are more sensible and ductile to follow the contemporary culture, are the carriers to pass down the culture from their parents to the next generation. To understand their view of the world is, undoubtedly, a good, but not and never the only way to understand the contemporary culture.[展开阿 加例子]

很抱歉，这段不是在规定时间内写的，所以……呵呵。哦，还是参考了你的文章后再修改的

alcestisUID: 2101945

恩……我都没好意思计时……先写的纸版草稿然后打上去的……

edgarluUID: 203648

回拍

6."The most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth."

We may see that, when we are in the streets, contemporary youth wearing colorful clothes, playing exciting games, talking about what is fashion [the latest fashion] this year and acting with individual characteristic. This phenomenon arouses the ambiguous atmosphere that many people rush to assert [assert hastily] that this is our contemporary culture. In fact, such plausible statement is not grounded[groundless] for the following reasons.

First of all, culture is an adaptive system, an interface between ourselves, environment, and other human societies that is changing all the time through human's history.between不能在三者之间，用linking吧 The culture in modern society is the evolutionary result of the progress of men. All the cultures nowadays can derive their origin from the past: how they created[started or emerged], how they developed and how they formed as no as the contemporary culture.[单一个origin不能覆盖这些，their origin and all the way to here 或者 their origin and the process of evolving] The trends of youth only represent a part of the culture influenced by their former generations. As a stream, you [Just like a stream, which you] can not discrete[split] it into several parts for it is continuous, and so does [如果前面改了这里就不用so does，本身这么用语法上也是错的] the culture can not only be represented by the contemporary trends [the culture can not be represented only by the contemporary trends]. Contemporary culture is, therefore[我记得therefore是不能这么插入的], still a developing culture based on its own accumulation and evolution[原来两个词chinglish了，for the lack of depth and maturity].

Furthermore, culture, far more than the fashion of the clothes, include knowledge, believe, art, rituals, customs, conventions, so on and so forth. When we come to the agreement that contemporary culture is broad term which cannot live without its past and history, we may see that thoughts and weltanschauungs[WOW!] of the old also play a critical role in it as well. As for the old people, words of outdated, feeble, ephemeral, weak and lacking of imagination and creativity [, unimaginative and uncreative], are always used to describe them. While[while的前后不能分割成两个句子] most of us, on the contrast, depict the youth as energetic, muscular, passionate, robust and vigorous. Nevertheless, human culture is an organic whole of knowledge, art, and many other things as mentioned before. Take knowledge for example, there is no convincing evidences show that the youth know more knowledge than the old.[常识逻辑应该是老人在knowledge上理所当然占优] Another case in point is that it is not necessary to draw a picture with muscular energy[muscular energy is not necessary in the painting of pictures]. In this perspective, it is a fallacy to claim that the most effective way to understand contemporary culture is to analyze the trends of its youth.

Admittedly, young people, who are more sensible and ductile to follow the contemporary culture, are the carriers to pass down the culture from their parents to the next generation. To understand their view of the world is, undoubtedly, a good, but not and never the only way to understand the contemporary culture.

All in all, contemporary culture is the evolutionary result from generation to generation. All kinds of people, children, youth, and the old are the water in the stream whose thoughts and attitudes can not be separated from each other.

总体感觉：
第一二点的top sentenses都没有指出全段的重点，这和老外习惯的行文思路大大的incompatible；第一点的TS在结尾以结论形式给出，但第二点没有找到任何一句能代表全段观点的话，我也没搞懂第二段的point到底是什么。第三点叙述偏少。

hihifrankyUID: 2115524

谢谢你啊，果然好狠，而且很细心，我喜欢（有点被虐待狂了？）

Originally posted by edgarlu at 2005-7-14 09:39 PM
First of all, culture is an adaptive system, an interface between ourselves, environment, and other human societies that is changing all the time through human's history.between不能在三者之间，用linking吧

这句话是抄的，“Culture is an adaptive system, an interface between ourselves, the environment, and other human societies. Throughout the long millennia of prehistory, human culture became more elaborate, for it is our only means of adaptation and we are always adjusting to environmental, technological, and societal change.”

All the cultures nowadays can derive their origin from the past: how they createdstarted or emerged, how they developed and how they formed as no as the contemporary culture.[单一个origin不能覆盖这些，their origin and all the way to here 或者 their origin and the process of evolving]

嗯，考虑得很周全，同意。

As a stream, you [Just like a stream, which you] can not discrete[split] it into several parts for it is continuous, and so does [如果前面改了这里就不用so does，本身这么用语法上也是错的] the culture can not only be represented by the contemporary trends [the culture can not be represented only by the contemporary trends].

如果改成：the culture can not be represented only by the contemporary trends just like the stream can not be splitted into several parts. 不知如何？

still a developing culture based on its own accumulation and evolution[原来两个词chinglish了，for the lack of depth and maturity].

是有点哦，我也不知应该怎么说，有什么好建议吗？

总体感觉：
第一二点的top sentenses都没有指出全段的重点，这和老外习惯的行文思路大大的incompatible；第一点的TS在结尾以结论形式给出，但第二点没有找到任何一句能代表全段观点的话，我也没搞懂第二段的point到底是什么。第三点叙述偏少。

自我觉得 “When we come to the agreement that contemporary culture is broad term which cannot live without its past and history, we may see that thoughts and weltanschauungs of the old also play a critical role in it as well.” 是第二段的TS。 观点是contemperary culture 不只是youth的，也包括the old 的。第三点叙述本来是没有的，是我修改时加上去的，所以……:L